SPOILER ALERT! ;-p

Multiple folk have asked me how Britain's Got Talent went. By which I mean literally more than 1. Sorry if I didn't reply, I just wanted to answer everyone in one fell swoop rather than typing out the same thing repeatedly.

To cut a long story short:

It was fun. I was buzzed off by 'judges' and unfortunately didn't get to finish my act. A fun, interesting day regardless and I may or may not be on Britain's Got (more) Talent next season. I basically never watch TV so if you find out when the series starts, please let me know. I'll probably record the Glasgow episodes since that would be mildly interesting to have a copy of.

To extend that short story and make it long:

The day started in an all-too-familiar way. I slept in.

If it weren't for Andy and Kenny ringing the doorbell at 6:50 (10 minutes before the taxi was due to arrive) I may have missed the start of the show entirely. A quick shower and taxi ride later saw us at the front of the SECC, soon to be joined by Linda and Robbie - the final 2 members of my entourage.

If you're ever on one of these shows, I think it's kinda boring for someone to come along if they're on their own. Often, I was called away and in the 'pre-auditions' (which are actually the 'real' auditons) I felt bad for bringing Adam along since he was so often on his own. But with a few folk supporting you, at least they can entertain each other and make new friends. Of course, these are merely hypotheses since I had a slightly different viewpoint.

Ushered along a corridor and into a 'holding room', I was the first to be called away for an interview. Giving my usual, drawn-out, rambling answers, I did ask the dude if he wanted me to be more concise, Surprisingly, he declined. Instead, it seemed that he was trying to use some sort of mental trickery, repeating key words in the hope that I would say the same phrase back. Or maybe the long answers give them more material to take out of context.

In any case, they then had me come up the escalator repeatedly whilst they filmed it. Proclaiming to Linda that I would come up like no-one had before, I decided to swing my shoulders rhythmically whilst ascending - to a salsa beat. The first idea - to come up backwards - was quickly rejected by me for being too normal.

Then they filmed my 'registration' (which had the attendant moving the pen without writing and giving me someone else's number) about 7 times. This was the most 'forced' bit of the day and knowing that it's implied as fact when shown on the TV screen did make me feel marginally dirty.

At this point, ITV2 and ITV1 seemed to both want me for different things and I realised that lots of folk whom I'd never seen before knew my name. Sure, they were the show's researchers but that's still pretty impressive. I don't think I could go into a city and remember the names of a third of the contestants.

So I was asked to wait for a while until Ant & Dec arrived. Got talking to some other contestants - Lucano, a wee boy who does the robot on the dance floor and a drag-Queen who'd sing God Save the Queen. Though they performed when I was backstage, I only got to hear the sounds of them playing (and subsequent buzzers). It'll be interesting to see them on TV. Actually, to tell the truth, I'm more interested to see the other acts that I spoke to during the day than my own since I have a (slightly) better idea of how I looked than what they were like.

So after 5-20 minutes, AntnDec arrived and we had a bit of banter. They seem like good fellas.

Then ITV2 got 'Steven' to interview me and we ended up doing a skit where I was trying to cheer him up, pretending that he had just woken up and I was trying to cheer him up.

Something that you probably won't see on TV:

(him just saying his shower was crap and he ran out of soap)

me: "heres some shower gel. It's tingly!"

S walks off, then returns.

"Tingly?! That stung!"

"You're not supposed to shove it up your arse!"

At this point, literally everyone in the room burst out laughing but they asked for a retake. Apparently, we're meant to keep straight faces.

(him just saying his shower was crap and he ran out of soap)

me: "heres some shower gel. It's tingly!"

S walks off, then returns.

"Tingly?! That stung!"

"You're not supposed to put it in your mouth... You're not supposed to shove it up your arse either!"

Laughter again. I think 'shove it up yer arse' may not be TV appropriate. Or is it? I'm honestly not sure.

At this point, I returned to the holding room and 'Al', a dancer was pointed out to me by an attendant. I did a continuation of the skit with Al, the idea being that he's teaching me to 'shuffle' so I can cheer up steven. The whole thing involved loads of pantomine, silly thumbs-ups and some fancy footwork (the shuffle itself). If it ends up on TV, I'll definitely look like rather silly but as my Dundonian friends know, I'm no stranger to that...

Anyway, by this point it was almost 1pm already. There were big crowds outside the SECC who were now starting to come in and we were ushered backstage.

Before going on, they did some more filming and - as in the past - I was asked to keep my mouth shut (as opposed to sing to myself) and pose in various ways (mainly resting my bum against suitcases and stuff), which I was reasonably happy to do.

I was on 2nd. I have no idea how the act before did.*

I introduced myself by giving my stage name - Acid Darling. I told the crowd that unlike some miserable singers, I was there to remind them that life is AWESOME! There was a lot of cheering to that.

I started singing and the sound was terrible. Kenny later said that he thought the sound system was shit. I'll be curious to hear it on TV but will never have that first-hand experience, since the monitors were pretty much non-existent.

I'm not totally sure but I think the crowd were shouting for me to begin with. I'm not sure which happened first but it was only after the buzz that I realised they were now shouting 'off, off'...

I got buzzed off by the first 2 judges during either the 2nd stanza/verse or the chorus. The 3rd buzzed me off during the maraca interlude.

"Are you for real?"

"Do you have another job."

"Yes."

"Well, don't give it up."

Michael Mcintyre's joke was marginally more amusing, seemingly wilfully mishearing my 'name' and calling me Alistair Darling.

"I liked the maracas though"

"well, then, why did you buzz during the maracas?"

" Well, the other judges had already buzzed so..."

(and after finding out that I'd played in bars)

"The difference between there and here is that people aren't drunk."

I don't think they were ready for me. Sitting backstage, speaking to folk after me, about 2/3 of folk get buzzed off during the act so if my numbers are right, I'm in the bottom 67% of the top 5% according to the BGT team.

Anyways, coming off the stage, Ant n Dec interviewed me again, I revealed that they'd missed out on dancing and agreed to show a bit of that if they'd beatbox (to which they agreed).A beatbox and a dance later...

"That was good!"

"Thanks!"

"No, I mean, my beatboxing! I suprised myself!"

Steven interviewed me again. He wanted me to kid on I was actually upset, for a role reversal of the earlier skit. I only felt comfortable doing it if I was totally overacting though.

"Our audience isn't stupid! They'll know it's not real!"

Yeah right...

After we'd done 2 'takes' with me pantomining the sadness (ensuring folk actually WOULD know it wasn't real), they asked to do one 'straight'. No acting.

Penultimately, they did a shot of me walking through a door. A door, which, incidentally, I'd never gone through before and isn't the actual exit. Of course we all know that BGT isn't a documentary but being asked to go through the same door 3 times really brought home how scripted the whole affair is.

Finally, pick up lines on top of the stage whilst the judges were on a coffee break. It seems that they aren't sure whether to call me by my real name or my stage name so they had me do more pickups. Directly before which, I head the compere getting everyone to practise their 'off, off, off...' I wouldn't mind sitting in the audience to see how hostile he persuades them to be.

Overall a fun day. The biggest crowd I'd performed to thus far and it was fun, even if I didn't win them over in the end. I'm still not sure if they turned because of the bad sound, because I may have misplayed due to nerves or because of the judges or compere coercion.Due to editing etc. I'll never really know.

If in the UK and I know when it happens, I'd be interested to give it another go. I mean, if gary from Pivo Pivo hadn't rung me, I wouldn't have known about the original November auditions. So I don't know how I'll find out next time.

I'd be interested to do something like my call-response song 'higher', though. If I could get them actually singing along that would be mega-awesome. Maybe with the backup of a couple of other singers and drummers.

Highlights - 'in yer arse', AntnDec, cheering after I say how awesome life is, friendly support.

* I did actually watch the first half the preceding act's performance, but was told to get back. They looked awesome but I don't think they made it through. I didn't actually hear any of the comments though.

Incidentally, the only other act I got to glimpse were the dancers dressed as fairytale characters whilst dancing to Thriller. But I only got to see them through a cap in the curtain on backstage-left. (Backstage-left is the quieter backstage, where the blue-collar joes go. Backstage-right is for the frippery, fanciness and fakery.)